Lessons Learned: Confessions of a Gentleman Arachnid

Meet Milligan Clodthorpe, a gentleman arachnid of exceptional lineage who finds himself involuntarily inhabiting the body of a human female. Bainbridge, the cad who now inhabits Milligan's arachnid form, is known throughout the galaxy as thoroughly selfish and uncivilized. What he might get up to with a body such as Milligan's simply does not bear thinking about. With the help of Milligan';s mechanical valet Forsythe, his revered Uncle Angus, his psychotic cousin Gertrude, and Pigstick, his former comrade in arms, he must recover his arachnid body and prevent Bainbridge from disgracing his family name.

Through twists and turns, Milligan's pursuit leads him into thrilling adventures. Be prepared for daring espionage, scandalous scenes, and perilous levels of dry wit.

Genre: Science Fiction comedy

How good do I think this book is, looking back on it?      6/10

This book is the ultimate counterargument to the idea that artists should be allowed to write whatever they want. The text is opaque, barely making sense to anyone not intimately familar with humour and speech patterns from the 1940s. That said, there’s still some good stuff in there. An aristocratic giant spider engaging in a cocaine-fueled spaceship battle remains one of my highlights

How obviously depressed was I during the writing?        5/10

Milligan is very obviously depressed throughout the book, but it’s a background element rather than an acute problem.

Background

The idea of doing a P.G. Wodehouse/Sci Fi mashup had been floating around in my head for a while. I mentioned it to my wife as we were driving to a national park in Utah and she said it was the best idea I’d ever had.

I started working on the book whilst still working at the hospital. As with The Suicide Machines, I didn’t plan any of the book out and this time that came back to bite me in the behind very, very badly. The plot meanders, mcguffins are introduced and the forgot about and whilst characters do have arcs, they’re not particularly well integrated into the text.

It stars a giant spider, which was certainly… a decision I made. I listened back to my podcast I made after releasing the book, and apparently my logic was I wanted to experiment with a non-human protagonist. This will be the first in a long line of examples when my desire to experiment and try something new made my job a lot harder than it needed to be.

I posted about Confessions on some sort of writing subreddit, and the idea got some actual traction. A small publisher, Montag Press, asked to take a look at the thing, which was extremely exciting. I sent it over, and they said no, they didn’t want it. The reasons were mainly qualitative. So, I decided to get an editor but, being extremely ill, I wasn’t sure I could afford a professional, so I asked my brother to help. He has a PhD in English Literature, it made sense at the time. I worked on the book, got a cover made up and sent it back to the publisher, who said yes! We worked on it some more and put the book out.

The Release

I hired a publicist, because I didn’t want it to sink like a stone, like the last book had. Despite getting a couple of very nice reviews, it still sank like a stone. The reader reviews were mixed. Some people absolutely loved it, others bounced right the h*ck off it. It seems that if Confessions is your sort of thing, it’s really your sort of thing. To this day, it’s still one of my wife’s favourite books.

 Post Release

I started working on the sequel almost immediately after, but I stalled out pretty quickly. My health was deteriorating rapidly during the release and, whilst I was still just about able to work, I wouldn’t be for long. I was at the start of a long slide into chronic depression which wouldn’t start improving for years to come.

Lessons Learned:

1)       Don’t hire a publicist

My publicist was fine, but rather expensive. They sent the book out to multiple review joints. Two picked it up. They reviewed it well, but those reviews didn’t translate into sales. I would have been better off spending the money on social media advertising or keyword optimisation.

2)      Self-improvement is key

Not planning Confessions really came back to bite me, so in the period of petit mort after the book release, I decided I really needed to actually work on my writing and improve. The first point I wanted to focus on was readability – Confessions wasn’t just a weird book, it was extremely opaque. Milligan’s narration was extremely difficult to follow.

3)      Persistence can be rewarded

Resubmitting to Montag Press, after they’d initially turned Confessions down was a mildly bold step, and one which was rewarded handsomely.

4)      For me, first person is the way to go

I loved writing in first person. I loved the tension I could create in the reader’s head as they tried to work out whether the protag’s perceptions and reality truly matched up. Some people find first person a little limiting. I find those limits exhilarating.