Lessons Learned: The Wrapup

In 2021, a 36-year-old author has been looking back on his career and considering the ups, the downs and the lessons learned. Was there a point to this? Yes, yes there was.

Genre: Slice of Life

How good do I think this experience was, looking back on it?     10/10

Actually taking stock of the books I’ve written to this point was a really positive experience, as were a few other bits and pieces I’ll get into in a moment.

How obviously depressed was I during this period?         2/10

You don’t really do retrospectives like this if you’re feeling great about your writing, but nothing too major.

So, what now?

Of the books I’ve written, I am definitely proud of Drown the Witch, Not in My Name and Three Arachnids in a Warship. I have complicated feelings about The Suicide Machines, Confessions of a Gentleman Arachnid and An Angel Named Susan. The Whispering of Black Anis was a disaster.

For a long time now, I’ve been feeling pretty bad about writing in general. This started around the time of The Whispering of Black Anis. At that time, I’d bounced off a draft of a book I’d really wanted to write but couldn’t make work (a book about care workers in post-apocalyptic Canterbury). I’d had the dispiriting experience of my first draft of Drown the Witch being unreadable due to an unlikeable protagonist, and I’d had Whispering be rejected by everyone except a vanity publisher.

After that many setbacks, it’s honestly amazing to me that I continued writing at all. I’ve checked back on some of my old diary entries and I was so dispirited. I said the same thing about myself and depression to a therapist once. I said it was amazing I was still here given how depressed I’d been, and for such a long time. The therapist said that some part of me really, really wanted to get better. I think something similar applies with my writing.

As part of this general retrospective, I’ve been talking to a lot of people about writing and creativity and whether I should actually carry on writing. One author told me that, by focussing on getting an agent, I was focussing on an extrinsic goal rather than an intrinsic one.

For a full explanation of what that means, watch Zoe Bee’s video on the matter here:

The short version is: By tying what I think of as ‘success’ to something over which I have no control – in this case, being picked up by an agent, I’m focusing not on writing an amazing book, or doing good work of any sort, but seeking approval from an external figure. I’m not writing for its own sake, I’m doing it to make senpai notice me. Studies show that those who work for the promise of a reward (getting an agent, in my case) are less happy and do less good work than those who do the work for its own sake.

I’ve been trying to get an agent for years now. I was not feeling good about writing in general before I started really focussing in on that goal, but I think that goal only made things worse. So this is me, taking a step back.

I still have submissions out with agents, and I’m in the middle of a scouting program which may or may not lead to anything, so I won’t do anything churlish like withdraw my submissions, but I don’t think I should do any more. I think I need to focus in on why I started writing in the first place. I need to focus on writing some really amazing fiction, because that’s what I want to do. I love the book that’s under submission at the moment. I really, really love it. I want it to be out there. If no-one reads it, that’s fine. I know it’s good.

In a way, I’m fortunate. I’m still so ill I can barely do anything except write and go on dog walks. I’m on a couple of NHS waiting lists which I hope will improve things, but as things stand currently, I may as well write for writing’s sake.

H*ck yeah.